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Post by coldasice97141 on Oct 23, 2003 0:15:39 GMT -5
Thats way to funny Dear!!!! ;D
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Post by schoonergirl on Oct 23, 2003 8:16:09 GMT -5
Funny, Jim.  |
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 24, 2003 6:51:23 GMT -5
Blonde math  There was a Dallas lawyer who was gonna sell 30 bred heifers to his buddy. The deal was to be cash and the lawyer was to discount it 12.5% for cash money. The lawyer figured it - then again - then again - and he got a different answer each time. So he went to his secretary and asked her to do it. If she got an answer that matched his - that would have to be the correct answer. He walked to her desk and asked "If somebody were to give you $20,000 dollars but discount it 12.5% - how much would you take off? She thought - then answered "All except my ear rings." |
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Post by schoonergirl on Oct 24, 2003 9:15:09 GMT -5
 ;D
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Post by Ink-Fish on Oct 24, 2003 15:12:27 GMT -5
Alright, I'll try this one... This guy comes home from work, and finds his wife already in bed and he says "where is he?" she says "where's who, I don't know what you mean, honey". This guy is frantically searching all over their apartment looking in the closets, under the bed, the bathroom, everywhere. He goes out on the balcony and see'e this guy hanging from the handrail on the balcony below wearing only his underwear. The fella is down there begging this guy to help him, so this guy says "I'll fix you right up, gimmee a second" and goes back into his apartment. A few seconds later the guy comes back out onto the balcony and is pushing his refrigerator!! He gets a good grip on the 'fridge and pushes it up over the rail and drops it on the guy hanging on the lower balcony. So there's this line of folks waitin' to get into Heaven, and St. Peter says, "we are trying to hurry everybody in but there's so many of you to process that we are gonna put a rush on anyone who had a really TERRIBLE last day on Earth, the rest of you will have to go to this waiting room, while we get all caught up". The first guy (all battered and beat up) walks up to St. Peter and says "I was doing some yoga out on my balcony and while I was doing one of my stretching exercises, I fell over the edge. Fortunately I was able to grab a handrail about 4 or 5 floors down and I didn't fall all the way to the ground". St. Peter says to the fella "well then how did it happen that you ended up here?" This fella says "I saw a man on the balcony above me and was asking him to help me, he said he'd be right back and he went inside, I thought he was going in to find a rope or something, but he came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!!" St. Peter says, "oh, that's terrible, we'll get you right in" and away he goes. The next guy comes up to St. Peter ( he's wearing a hospital gown and has wires and tubes connected all over him) and tells his story. "I came home from work and I could just tell that my wife was cheatin' on me, so when I finally saw that no good (so-n-so) hiding on the balcony below, I decided to take care of this once and for all, I went inside and pushed my refrigerator out onto the balcony and over the rail, I must've had a heart attack, because here I am". St. Peter says "that's a terrible way to go, we'll get you right in", and away he goes as well. Next this naked guy walks up to St. Peter and says, "Imagine that you're naked and you're hiding on top of a refrigerator..." added... mods... If this is too rough you can delete it.  |
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Post by coldasice97141 on Oct 24, 2003 23:19:11 GMT -5
I liked it!!! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 28, 2003 10:10:37 GMT -5
During the height of the cold war, the Americans and the Russians realized that if they continued their arms race, they were going to blow up the whole planet.
They arranged a top secret summit, where it was decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They agreed to give each other 5 years to breed the two most powerful fighting dogs ever.
The winning dog's country would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to submit and lay down its arms.
The Russians searched their vast country to find the meanest, most vicious Doberman and Rottweiler pregnant doges and bred them with the biggest, most dangerous Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and fed it a diet of steroids and trained them to be lethal attack dogs. After five years of fierce breeding, Russia had managed to create the biggest, most vicious dog the world had ever seen.
Finally Russia and America met in Switzerland to let their dogs fight for world domination. Although its cage had 4-inch-thick reinforced steel-bars, everyone was afraid to even go near the Russian monster-dog.
When the Russians saw the American dog, they burst into laughter. America had sent a weird looking 9-foot-long Dachshund! The Russian breeders felt a little sorry for the Dachshund, because they knew it didn't have the slightest chance to last even 10 seconds against Russia's killer.
When the bell announced the beginning of the fight, the Russian dog leaped out of its cage, snarled, and charged the American Dachshund.
The Dachshund slowly waddled out of its cage towards the Russian dog. But just when the Russian champion looked like it was going to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog with one bite. The Russian monster was gone!
The Russian politicians, shaking their heads in disbelief, walked over to the cheering Americans and said: "We don‘t understand how this could have happened. We had our best breeders working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler pregnant doges in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves!"
"That’s nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 28, 2003 10:16:11 GMT -5
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 28, 2003 10:17:38 GMT -5
Sandy: "I’ve lost my cat!"
Megan: "Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?"
Sandy: "Don’t be silly! She can't read."
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 28, 2003 10:24:07 GMT -5
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Cowboy: Hey! Cool dog. Mind if I speak with it?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey, dog, how's it goin'?
Dog: Doin' alright.
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin'?
Horse: Cool.
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep lie!
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 28, 2003 10:25:57 GMT -5
A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says: "I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I find it very unusual... He hated the book!"
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 28, 2003 10:28:26 GMT -5
Cleaning the Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
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Post by McIrish on Oct 28, 2003 10:47:05 GMT -5
Sandy: "I’ve lost my cat!" Megan: "Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?" Sandy: "Don’t be silly! She can't read." Cute, URB! ;D |
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Post by schoonergirl on Oct 28, 2003 11:03:28 GMT -5
Sandy: "I’ve lost my cat!"
Megan: "Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?"
Sandy: "Don’t be silly! She can't read."
JEFF, JEFF, JEFF. ;D
Meagan can you believe this? What a funny boy he is. ;D
Cleaning the cat was just too darn funny.
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 28, 2003 11:05:25 GMT -5
To be honest I never put your names on it , it came to me that way in a joke . LMAO
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;D
