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Post by schoonergirl on Oct 15, 2003 8:48:32 GMT -5
LOL Dawn.
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Post by KingFisher85 on Oct 17, 2003 21:56:13 GMT -5
Just A Drunken Push Start...
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing." ;D
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Post by KingFisher85 on Oct 17, 2003 21:58:46 GMT -5
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over and was looking around the room when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk, Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calnly she replied, "Thats me before the surgey."  |
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Post by coldasice97141 on Oct 18, 2003 0:09:48 GMT -5
:oLOL LOL LOL
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Post by schoonergirl on Oct 18, 2003 10:34:17 GMT -5
LOL! ;D
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Post by Ink-Fish on Oct 18, 2003 12:34:06 GMT -5
Uh-Oh!
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Post by coldasice97141 on Oct 18, 2003 15:42:11 GMT -5
IN MY NEXT LIFE
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partiallty grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...gonna be a bear.
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Post by McIrish on Oct 18, 2003 17:20:11 GMT -5
Me Too! ;D
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Post by McIrish on Oct 21, 2003 0:05:37 GMT -5
Here's a good one... I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the women's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!" And the other lady says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over to your place after while?" Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell her, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!" Then I hear the lady say nervously... "LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!" (ps: this is an email joke, I did NOT do this!  ) |
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Post by coldasice97141 on Oct 21, 2003 22:46:30 GMT -5
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy
a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50 .00
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it
to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox
to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid
environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on
frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to
stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT
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Post by KingFisher85 on Oct 21, 2003 23:21:04 GMT -5
LOL ;D
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Post by upriverbright on Oct 22, 2003 10:06:34 GMT -5
Sounds like something I'd do.
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
> > > oncoming truck, and
> > > everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their
> > > maker, and because of
> > > the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant
> > > them one wish each,
> > > before they enter Paradise.
> > >
> > > They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
> > > the wish is."I
> > > want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers,
> > > and it is done.
> > >
> > > The second one in line hears this and says "I want to
> > > be gorgeous too."
> > >
> > > Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
> > >
> > > This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down
> > > the line, the last
> > > guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten
> > > people left, this
> > > guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his behind off.
> > >
> > > Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his
> > > wish will be.
> > >
> > > The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly
> > > again".
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Post by schoonergirl on Oct 22, 2003 10:57:10 GMT -5
LMAO!!!!!
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Post by Ink-Fish on Oct 22, 2003 13:55:22 GMT -5
Here's my attempt, ah never mind that ones dirty. Wait... I got another o... ... never mind that ones dirty too.  sorry  |
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Post by KingFisher85 on Oct 22, 2003 14:28:04 GMT -5
LOL that very funny
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