LOL them there are some good ones!
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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
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A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front
> of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and
> empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
> He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
>
> So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
> the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
> areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
> jar was full. They agreed it was.
>
> The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
> Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
> jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
>
> The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
> poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
> space between the sand. The students laughed.
>
> "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want
you to
> recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
> important things--your family, your health, your children, your job,
> your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was
> lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The
pebbles
are
> the other things that matter like your house, your car. The sand is
> everything else--the small stuff.
>
> "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no
> room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend
> all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for
> the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that
> are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to
> get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another
> 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the
> disposal."
>
> "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set
> your priorities. The rest is just sand."
>
> One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
> represented.
>
> The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you
that
> no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple
> of beers."
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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first
class section of a plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman
and says, " Excuse me for asking but why do you shudder so
violently after every sneeze?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very
rare condition and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed, but even more curious,
says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for
it?"
The woman smiles at him and says, "Pepper."
;D
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull's dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
."Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
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A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of sleepers." ;D ;D
;D
;D
?............ don't tell me I know this one ............. right on the tip of my tongue................ oh man ............ never mind It a lose.