Now this is funny

[KingFisher85]

LOL haha...good one ;D

[oly]

;D Great stuff you guys. We want more. More!.

[RT]

There's a new thread topic over in the Salmon and Steelhead board called "Best line?" Going to be some more suggestions than for just fishing line. There's going to be 'best lines' for young single guys to use when out looking for the girl of their dreams. Thought non-members would like to have these great tips too. Members, post your favorites here too.
-----------

I had to scratch the ol' memory cells for these effective ones:

- "I don't care what the others are saying, I don't think your behind is too big at all."

- "For you darling, I would try to quit smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and going to X-rated flicks."

- Very first sentence - "So, how do ya like me so far?"

- "Pssst ... I hang with 'Leo' DeCaprio, or whatever his name is."

- "Hi there. ... Oh wait, be right back. Gotta get something out of my Ferrari."

- Walk right up to the girl of your dreams and stare at her with your best sexy look, and after a solid minute or so of that say "Your face or mine?"

Warning: Regular use of some of those lame lines may cause pain in one of your cheeks ... or could cause carpal tunnel syndrome in either of your hands.

[Mike Cowdrey]

I kinda dig this site, it gets updated often. Gotta love them Germans.......... ;D



members.rott.chello.nl/tmarapengopie/wereldrecord.htm

[KingFisher85]

Watch your dogs ;D

[KingFisher85]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally a smart Blonde joke. Bet you didn't expect that!

[KingFisher85]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

When the women became aware of his presence they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: With enough incentive, old age and treachery will triumph over youth and inexperience.

[KingFisher85]

Situational Issue: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and
two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises
the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man
look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the
kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have
an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and
what
kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible
he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or
would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click... (Sounds of
reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids
think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

[upriverbright]

LOL LOL you never seem to let us down do you ?

[upriverbright]

There was a Dallas lawyer who was gonna sell 30 bred heifers to his
buddy.
The deal was to be cash and the lawyer was to discount it 12.5% for
cash
money.

The lawyer figured it - then again - then again - and he got a
different
answer each time. So he went to his secretary and asked her to do it.
If she
got an answer that matched his - that would have to be the correct
answer.

He walked to her desk and asked "If somebody were to give you $20,000
dollars but discount it 12.5% - how much would you take off?

She thought - then answered "All except my ear rings."

[KingFisher85]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

_____________________________________________


Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man named RT who had a terrible passion for baked beans. RT loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. "One day", far far away RT met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, RT thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, RT's car broke down. Since they lived in the country, RT called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, RT passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since RT still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home RT putt-putted. By the time RT arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made RT promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, RT seized the opportunity. RT shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so RT felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. RT had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. RT raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, RT tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. RT got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when RT heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, RT was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

_____________________________________________

The Test


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the RT coming with pineapples."

_____________________________________________


The Magic Frog


RT takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing."

You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

RT decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" The RT asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood." RT takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, RT has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and RT says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, RT asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, RT figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. RT takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." RT figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

_____________________________________________

;D

[KingFisher85]

10 Ways to Annoy Cops


1. Say, "d**n, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

_____________________________________________

Lipstick at School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

_____________________________________________

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

_____________________________________________





Life's Reflections

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

_____________________________________________

;D

[RT]

Ok Mike, I can see our ribbing of each other is fast becoming a tradition here -- that is, until Dan or other's tell us to knock it off. ;D All in fun though, and I like it. ...

btw, good ones. But I don't embarrass easily and those friends at the suprise party are used to that, so no red face. JK! There would be some flushed cheek over that one - in more than one place too. Geez, that scenario would be worse than cutting loose in an elevator full of people! At least I won't be seeing them again. ;D

[KingFisher85]

;D

[KingFisher85]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl noticed him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits
a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she
came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's
sooooooooooooooooo much cheaper. So........I figure if I have to roll my own...........so does she! ;D