Now this is funny

[RT]

Good ones Mike! lol

The public toilet stall reminds of a true one. It might be funny in print, but deifinitely was funny at the time. A friend and I just finished breakfast at the Troller's Cafe in the coastal port of Garibaldi, and went it to pee before heading out to fish coho in the ocean. Some guy was in the sh!tter and let out a humungous fart/rocket combo!!!!! Wow, and I mean WOW! My friend starts to giggle, kinda under his breath so as not to embarrass the guy. Me? It was just TOO dang much - so I yelled out loud "OH MY GAWD DUDE - DO YA NEED ANY STITCHES?" Then I fained choking on the fumes, leaving the poor guy embarrassed in there. Or maybe he wasn't? I don't know.
----------

Another one I did in front of my wife ........ we were at a men's clothing department and we went in to the 'hall of stalls' so I could try on some prospective clothes. The employee on duty in there opened a stall for me with his key. I wait a few seconds and open the stall door and yell out that "hey, there's no toilet paper in mine". ... The guys laughed, but my wife groaned and gave me the 'eye'. ... True story, but I got that idea from the joke about the drunk going into a Catholic confessional and telling the priest, "Any toilet paper in your's - mine's out".
---------------

Which reminds of another one I pulled that I probably shouldn't have. I was shopping at Washington Square mall with my wife and we walk by the Victoria Secrets store. I coax her in there to see if we can find anything of interest - true story! So after finally finding an 'acceptable' (to her anyway) skimpy purple 'nighty, we go up to the girl cashier to check out. While she is ringing it up I asked the gal in a totally straight serious tone, "oh, by the way, do you have any children's sizes in here?" ... Didn't get even a smile from her or my wife! Only dirty looks from both of em. ... Geez, I thought it was funny?

[RipDatLip]

Why's that last one so funny Steve? Wanna do some shopping for yourself?

Matt

[RT]

No Matt, I wasn't shopping for myself. I already have plenty of women's panties to wear when I get the hankerin' to do so. I don't get into the mood to do that every weekend like I used to though ... maybe only once a month or so. Then they get stretched out so my wife can't use 'em anymore. ... heh heh

As for that joke I tried in Victoria's ... well, have Mike explain it to ya.

[schoonergirl]

GEEZ!!!!! RT you are killing me. The second story was funny.

[Dan Christopher]

I am not normally into jokes but that was some funny stuff Steve. ;D

[upriverbright]

now thats a some good stuff ;D ;D

[schoonergirl]

>In a message dated 8/23/2003 7:57:35 AM Pacific Daylight Time, A1ajss writes:

Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that's true," answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries - is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin' maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."

[KingFisher85]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
;D

[upriverbright]

Nice Mike thats a good one ;D

[hammer'head]

What a fun thread! Keep the good ones coming Kingfisher. Thanks for the laughs.

[oly]

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Wife strife: Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. Then I asked him how long it will take

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. I said to him, do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again someday.

[KingFisher85]

hahaha...very good one...LOL ;D

[RT]

History Lesson

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little nuts. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh nuts, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

[upriverbright]

HERE IS ONE FOR ALL THE SELF EMPLOYED WORKERS

[upriverbright]

HERE YOU GO :


A BLONDE IS DRIVING HOME FROM WORK, AND GOT CAUGHT IN A REALLY BAD HAILSTORM. HER CAR WAS COVERED WITH SMALL DENTS, SO THE NEXT DAY SHE TOOK IT TO THE REPAIR SHOP.


THE OWNER SAW THAT SHE WAS BLONDE, SO HE DECIDED TO HAVE SOME FUN. HE TOLD HER JUST TO GO HOME AND BLOW INTO THE TAILPIPE REALLY HARD, AND ALL THE DENTS WOULD POP OUT.


SO, THE BLONDE WENT HOME, GOT DOWN ON HER HANDS AND KNEES AND STARTED BLOWING INTO HER CAR'S TAILPIPE, NOTHING HAPPENED. SHE BLEW A LITTLE HARDER, AND STILL NOTHING HAPPENED.


HER ROOMMATE, ANOTHER BLONDE, CAME HOME FROM WORK AND SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

THE FIRST BLONDE TOLD HER THAT THE REPAIRMAN HAD INSTRUCTED HER TO BLOW IN THE TAILPIPE IN ORDER TO GET ALL THE DENTS TO POP OUT.


HER ROOMMATE ROLLED HER EYES AND SAID, "HELLLLOOOOOO........YOU GOTTA ROLL UP THE WINDOWS!!!!"