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Post by fisherman357 on Jun 22, 2003 0:47:19 GMT -5
thanx buddy
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jun 28, 2003 1:06:39 GMT -5
The Loving Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone
belongs to?"
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Post by RT on Jun 28, 2003 2:58:51 GMT -5
Here's one I bet KF85 will like:  A young handsome man met up with the 'girl of his dreams' one summer. He just knew that this was the gal he wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with. She liked him a lot too. ... During the courtship the inevitable subject of sexual activity came about. She revealed that she was a Quaker (or maybe it was a Cracker?), and thus she would not have any type of sexual activity until they would some day marry. And she told him that she was actually uncomfortable discussing sex. The disappointed young man abided her wishes and kept the quintessential gentleman of honor, because he had fallen in love with her. ... After a lengthy courtship the couple finally got married. The guy was about beside himself with the anticipation of sexually 'consumating' the marriage to this stunningly beautiful young woman. However, on the honeymoon night the dude was incredibly humbled and disappointed when upon his manly advances his new bride informed him that she was not ready to have sex yet, and preferred not to talk about it. He was very patient indeed, for he loved this gorgeous angel. ... About once a week he made subtle little intimate advances, to which his prudish wife rebuffed the subject. After this went on for a while he became understandably super frustrated with this thing. SO, one evening he told his wife ... "Honey, I know you don't like to discuss sex. So I have come up with a plan for us to carry out until you are ready to make sexual love with me, and you won't have to talk about it. Here is how it IS going to be! When we go to bed every night, when and if you are finally ready to have sex you are to reach over and sentually pull on my manly unit. And EVERY night that you are not ready to have sex you are to let me know by reaching over and sentually pull on it 150 times!" |
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 7, 2003 12:03:27 GMT -5
 ;D |
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 7, 2003 12:23:23 GMT -5
TOP 20 REASONS WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX...
20. No matter how much whiskey you drink, you can still fish.
19. A limp rod is still useful while fishing.
18, You do not have to hide your fishing magazines.
17. It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.
16. The Ten Commandments do not say anything about fishing.
15. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing, you do not have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
14. Your fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
13. It is perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
12. When you see a really good angler, you do not have to feel guilty about imaging the two of you fishing together.
11. If your regular fishing partner is not available, he/she will not object if you fish with someone else.
10. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself.
9. When dealing with a fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8. You do not have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy fishing stuff.
7. You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to fish with you without getting sued for sexual harassment.
6. There are no fishing transmitted diseases.
5. If you want to watch fishing on television, you do not have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
4. Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
3. Nobody expects you to give up fishing in your partner loses interest in it.
2. You do not have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
1. Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?"
;D
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Post by upriverbright on Jul 7, 2003 12:38:13 GMT -5
Now thats good stuff Mike ;D ;D guess I'll have to go bid I guess want to help mike ?
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 17, 2003 1:36:10 GMT -5
hope this is ok ;D  |
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Post by schoonergirl on Jul 18, 2003 8:24:42 GMT -5
As a woman, "Isn't life grand". ;D ;D
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Post by Dan Christopher on Jul 18, 2003 14:34:40 GMT -5
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 19, 2003 1:10:14 GMT -5
Just fill out the information on there and see if your license comes up. I did and mine popped up just as pretty as you please. **THis is a joke and so my suggestion would be to not supply your real name and city and state. Just have fun with it! Hell, use your mother in law's name and city!! You might be surprised how accurate the license will be by using your in-laws name! www.license.shorturl.com/ |
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 19, 2003 1:14:44 GMT -5
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 19, 2003 13:29:53 GMT -5
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for? " The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." ;D
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 19, 2003 18:22:09 GMT -5
TOP IDIOTS OF 2002
Number One Idiot of 2002
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter in to the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the con-versation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she had better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2002
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2002
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch And wrote "thems iz a stikkup. Puts all youse muny in this bog." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number four Idiot of 2002
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received, in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Number Five Idiot of 2002
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign.!
Idiot Number Six of 2002
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot Number Seven of 2002
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.
Idiot Number Eight of 2002
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Sign please.
Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote!
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 21, 2003 16:33:41 GMT -5
;D  ;D |
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jul 25, 2003 23:35:11 GMT -5
I think this is too funny!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". d**n right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest d**n thing anyone ever f**king does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?
;D
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