|
|
Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 18, 2003 1:26:33 GMT -5
Gotta love the good old Reader's Digest!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 18, 2003 23:34:15 GMT -5
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE UNDER TOO MUCH STRESS:
*Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
*You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
*The dryer has shurnk every last pair of your jeans.
*your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
*You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: How's my driving? Call 1-800-***-****.
*Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
*You're counting down the days until menopause.
*You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
*The ibuprofen bottle is empty, and you bought it yesterday.
|
|
|
|
Post by schoonergirl on Dec 1, 2003 12:42:07 GMT -5
As an Idaho trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load". The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Idaho and I'm driving the
SANDING TRUCK!"
|
|
|
|
Post by McIrish on Dec 1, 2003 12:54:22 GMT -5
That's cute! ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by KingFisher85 on Dec 1, 2003 16:23:48 GMT -5
LOL ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by coldasice97141 on Dec 2, 2003 1:01:31 GMT -5
Way Funny!!!!!LOL LOL LOL ;D ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by coldasice97141 on Dec 5, 2003 2:02:44 GMT -5
ok moderators if you don't think this is appropriate feel free to remove it.
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00
So they spent the night together.
In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have is secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he sent a check for $250.00 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
******************
Upon reccipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.
|
|
|
|
Post by McIrish on Dec 5, 2003 10:50:20 GMT -5
That's a cute one!!!!  |
|
|
|
Post by McIrish on Dec 5, 2003 10:59:22 GMT -5
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite
delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She
and her husband were planning a week's vacation in
Arizona; so she wrote to a travel trailer court and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the "toilet" facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". So, she started all over again and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the camp-ground have its own B.C."? is what she actually wrote.
Well, the court manager, Herman, wasn't old-fashioned
at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure
out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really had him stumped. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So, he finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church. He sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but now take pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit, it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community. ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by schoonergirl on Dec 5, 2003 11:07:11 GMT -5
HA! ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by coldasice97141 on Dec 5, 2003 21:23:19 GMT -5
Thats too cute!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by upriverbright on Dec 6, 2003 14:04:12 GMT -5
One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting
ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of
his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as
fast as the regular elves. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mum was coming to visit. This really
stressed out Santa! When he went to harness the reindeer he found three
of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out..heaven knows where!
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Becoming really
frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of
whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden
the booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. Santa went to get the broom only to
discover that mice had eaten the straw that it was made from.
Just then the door bell rang and he began cussing and swearing on his
way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree!
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just
a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it lovely? Where
would you like me to stick it?"
Thus, began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
|
|
|
|
Post by schoonergirl on Dec 6, 2003 22:34:56 GMT -5
Funny! ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by upriverbright on Dec 14, 2003 3:44:59 GMT -5
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Lou to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Lou saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a >>customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Lou asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Lou exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Lou, you wanna screw for that hinge?" To which Mary Lou replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
|
|
|
|
Post by coldasice97141 on Dec 14, 2003 13:23:24 GMT -5
Ways To Confuse Santa
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
|
|
