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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 11, 2003 0:55:38 GMT -5
EVER HAD A DAY LIKE THIS?  ? Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.. .and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!" |
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Post by schoonergirl on Nov 11, 2003 9:31:14 GMT -5
Way to FUNNY Dawn.  |
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Post by KingFisher85 on Nov 11, 2003 22:55:23 GMT -5
LOL  thats good ;D |
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 12, 2003 0:34:55 GMT -5
I have those days alot!!!!
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 13, 2003 0:54:41 GMT -5
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof - hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway - hence, a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while - hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 13, 2003 1:07:49 GMT -5
ARE YOU A DOCTOR?
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizesthe boy has swallowed the
quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious
looking woman in a blue business suit is
sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading
her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it
on the counter, gets up from her seat and
makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes
hold of the boy's testicles and starts to
squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the quarter, which
the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin
to the father and walks back to her seat in
the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered
no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over
to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. .."Divorce Attorney."
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Post by schoonergirl on Nov 13, 2003 9:17:03 GMT -5
FUNNY!!!!! ;D
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 13, 2003 23:26:37 GMT -5
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in
northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take out the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, i'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't
even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Post by KingFisher85 on Nov 13, 2003 23:27:24 GMT -5
Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 13, 2003 23:59:00 GMT -5
LOL LOL LOL ;D ;D ;D
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Post by upriverbright on Nov 14, 2003 17:11:20 GMT -5
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Post by schoonergirl on Nov 17, 2003 15:54:42 GMT -5
Dawn, that last one was funny.
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 18, 2003 0:48:49 GMT -5
Funny and true!!! Beware of us avid readers!!!!!
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 18, 2003 1:18:28 GMT -5
ok, here are some from the good old Reader's Digest:
PARENTS' DICTIONARY:
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Show-Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house
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Post by coldasice97141 on Nov 18, 2003 1:25:03 GMT -5
Jails are not normally cheery places. But while working with the public defender's office interviewing clients as they sit in jail, I noticed this yuletide sign on the chalkboard: "only 10 more shoplifting days till Christmas!"
New Year's Day, and I had planned on spending it watching football. My wife, however, had other ideas, which resulted in my serving time at a family dinner. But when the coast was clear, I sneaked away and truned on the ball game. A few minutes later my wife came by with a cup of coffee for me. "What's the score?" she asked. "Zero-Zero at the end of the third quarter," I told her. "See?" she said, walking away, "You didn't miss a thing."
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thats good ;D
