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Post by schoonergirl on Jan 19, 2004 12:09:29 GMT -5
A lesson regarding the value of a couple aspirin
A guy is out with buddies and has few drinks. He is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear"
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jan 21, 2004 1:28:26 GMT -5
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down.
There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
;D
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jan 22, 2004 9:45:55 GMT -5
In Honor of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (d**n, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?  ...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)? On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)? On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)  |
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Post by schoonergirl on Jan 22, 2004 13:35:31 GMT -5
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Post by schoonergirl on Jan 26, 2004 11:55:49 GMT -5
Okay, these are Intelligent Signs of Time: If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Men's restroom House of Representatives,  Washington,DC Make love, not war.  -Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom The Filling Station,Bozeman,MT Express Lane:  Five beers or less! Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's,Phoenix,AZ |
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Post by KingFisher85 on Jan 29, 2004 23:11:50 GMT -5
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in his left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke, and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway. He then managed to find a large box full of band aids. Before proceeding up to bed, he placed a patch as best he could, on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way up to bed. Next morning, he awakens with screaming pain in his head and butt, to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:"Now Honey, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left wide open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly....it's all those d**n band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!" |
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Post by schoonergirl on Jan 30, 2004 9:38:53 GMT -5
Subject: Hormone Hostage
>
>The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in
>the month when all a man has to do is open his
>mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
>
>DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
>SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
>SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
>ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
>SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
>SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
>ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
>SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
>SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
>ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
>SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
>SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
>ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
>SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
>SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
>ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
>
>Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and
>those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need
>a warning.
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...) 
