Post by Gasjockey on Jan 7, 2004 20:16:23 GMT -5
Got this from my mom:
LIBERAL: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you
write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more
government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to
raise awareness for the cow-lessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the
cow-less, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that
only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that
signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't
done anything to help them at all.
CONSERVATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the
milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one
tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They
learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their
class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred
miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life
is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count
them and learn you have four cows. You have some more vodka. You count
them again and learn you have eight cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send
radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.
CALIFORNIAN: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has
spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back
after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One
makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its
lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the
milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender,
non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets
your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante
calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls
for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis
signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five
anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and
shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times'
analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
LIBERAL: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you
write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more
government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to
raise awareness for the cow-lessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the
cow-less, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that
only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that
signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't
done anything to help them at all.
CONSERVATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the
milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one
tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They
learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their
class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred
miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life
is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count
them and learn you have four cows. You have some more vodka. You count
them again and learn you have eight cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send
radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.
CALIFORNIAN: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has
spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back
after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One
makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its
lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the
milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender,
non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets
your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante
calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls
for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis
signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five
anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and
shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times'
analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
